Before Attempting to Resolve Conflict:
Ask yourself, "What specifically is bothering me? What do I want the other person to do or not do?” Stick to the facts and avoid being judgmental.
Follow these fair fighting rules to keep your conflicts from becoming destructive.
1. Be Willing to Compromise: Conflict does not get resolved by holding on to one’s position. At the same time don’t sell yourself short. This is a balancing act. The best outcome is a “win/win” solution for both parties. It is possible! Don’t try to “win” at all costs.
2. Deal with ONE issue at a time: No stockpiling or “Last Week’s Laundry.” Stick to the issue that brought up the conflict and deal with problems as they arise. Set aside a separate day to address other issues. Don’t keep wrongs from the past as weapons for the present.
3. Actively Listen: People want to be heard. Don’t interrupt, and genuinely try to hear concerns and feelings. Restate what you’ve heard to let them know you understand and ask them to do the same for you. The “opposing" viewpoint can sometimes make sense even if you don't agree.
4. Be Specific: Vague complaints are hard to work on. The more specific, the better. Do not hammer another by going on and on. State why you felt hurt and angry and what your request is for the future.
5. Remain Calm / No Physical Violence: Telling someone directly, honestly, and calmly how you feel is a very powerful form of communication. Don’t overreact. When anger escalates, no one is listening. Take time out to regroup. If they say you’re yelling, you probably are. Make the effort to lower your voice.
6. Take Turns Speaking: Let one person speak at a time. When one speaks, the other should be really listening, not just planning their rebuttal. This gives each person a chance to say what they need.
7. No Name-Calling or Degrading Language: Using demeaning names is verbal abuse. If the other person uses it, you have the right to walk away until they stop. Avoid insults or swearing. Watch your tone because even affectionate names such as “dear” said in the wrong tone can be emotional bombs.
8. No Sarcasm: It is anger couched as humor which is counterproductive. If sarcasm arises, you have the right to walk away until they can discuss the issue without it.
9. No Blaming or Accusations: This causes others to get defensive. Instead, talk about how someone's actions made you feel. When blaming starts, walls go up and communication goes out the window.
10. No "Hitting Below the Belt:" Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger, and vulnerability.
11. Don't Generalize: Avoid words like "never" or "always." Such generalizations are usually inaccurate, will be disputed by the other person, and make a situation even worse.
12. Don’t Exaggerate: Exaggerating or inventing a complaint - or your feelings about it - will prevent the real issues from surfacing. Stick with facts and your honest feelings.
13. Don’t Threaten: Threats are manipulative and hurtful. It makes the problems seem much bigger than they need to be. No talk of leaving in the heat of an argument
14. Avoid Clamming Up: When one person becomes silent and stops responding to the other, frustration intensifies. Positive results can only be attained with two-way communication.
15. Keep Others Out of It: The argument is among the people involved. What others say or think rarely change combatants’ minds.
16. Define Yourself Only - Not what the other feels, wants, or believes. Don’t throw others’ weak points in their face. You may win the argument, but you lose more than you gain.
17. Keep Your Sense of Humor: Maintain your sense of humor When fighting, we can take ourselves way too seriously. Don’t be overly sensitive about what the other person says or how they say it.
18. Keep Commitments: Agree only to what you can commit to. If your partner asks you to commit to something and you’re not sure if you can, be honest, but be willing to try. Don’t give lip-service. Make a genuine attempt to change. Set a trial period to see how proposed changes work, then discuss it.
19. Finish the Fight: Dragging out a fight can be as energy-draining as avoiding a fight.
20. Appreciate: End your “fight” on a positive note. Tell the other something that you think he or she did well during the resolution. The best motivator for change is praise.
In my video this week I discuss my theory on the cause of conflict.
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