The purpose of anger: Emotions are built in impulses to act. Anger is primally ingrained to protect us by increasing blood flow which makes us physically stronger and more adept. Think of an iceberg. Most of it is hidden below the surface of the water. Similarly, when we are angry, there are usually other emotions hidden beneath. It’s easy to see anger but difficult to see underlying feelings the anger is protecting.
For example, Dave believed he had an anger problem. When his wife would make a request of him, he would criticize her. He didn’t like his reactions but felt he couldn’t help it. As he worked on mindfulness, he realized he didn’t really have an anger problem. Instead, he felt like she was making impossible demands. By seeking to pinpoint his anger, he began to recognize anger as a signal that he needed to set healthy boundaries for what he would or would not do. Dave’s story points out an important concept: Our raw feelings can be the messengers we need to teach us things about ourselves. There is more below the surface of our anger.
Anger as a protector of raw feelings: Anger is often described as a “secondary emotion” because we tend to use it to protect our vulnerable, overwhelming feelings. Underneath Dave’s anger was exhaustion and feeling that he wasn’t good enough. His anger was protecting him from shame. Learning to recognize anger as a protector of our feelings can be powerful and lead to healing conversations that help people understand each other better.
Three Tips for listening to anger:
1. Don’t take it personally
2. Don’t tell someone to “calm down.”
3. Identify the obstacle. - Anger is often caused by an obstacle blocking a goal.
Anger can be a healthy emotion provided we don’t wallow in it or attack others. Express anger honestly to prevent buildup of resentments. We’re often drawn to people who express their feelings honestly. This type of communication builds trusting relationships. Learn to feel, express, and then let go of anger.
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