When we were using, many of us couldn’t stop talking. Depending upon the substance, it might have been a physical impossibility to shut us up. Despite all the noise we may have made, we rarely had anything honest or useful to say.
When we start to get clean and sober, many of us go almost silent. We need to be able to talk about our issues if we are going to learn to live without self-medicating. On the other hand, many of us swing too far in the other direction and start talking as if our recovery was the only thing happening anywhere in the world.
As much as learning to speak honestly about ourselves is important to recovery, on some levels learning to be a good listener is even more important. If our conversations are nothing more than us waiting our turn to say more about ourselves, we aren’t going to learn anything from anyone we talk to. Truly listening to others teaches us patience and empathy and helps us to become a little bit less self-centered. Being an active listener can help us be better partners, spouses, siblings, and children. It also supports mending the relationships that we harmed during addiction.
If we make working on our listening skills another part of our daily practice, we will see real benefits in our progress in recovery.
Psychologist Carl Rogers created a simple active listening format to help us become better listeners.
[You sound (emotion or feeling) ______ about (situation) _____.\
Using the above format, you might say, “You sound frustrated about work. Then stop talking and let the other person respond. Active listening involves being reflective, and empathic to help others feel heard and understood. It is important to be objective and non-judgmental. By clarifying the feelings, you can promote a problem-solving process to help the person become more assured of their abilities to handle emotional situations.
Using this format is useful because it:
· Clarifies what IS being communicated as well as what IS NOT being communicated.
· Helps gather additional information and verifies feelings of speaker.
· Provides genuine personal response and promotes problem solving within the person with the problem.
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