The devil on my shoulder...

Ever wonder why it seems like you have a devil on one shoulder whispering in your ear and an angel on the other speaking the opposite? Why do we make bad decisions even when we know they're bad? Understanding a simplified version of two parts of the brain helps explain this.

There are several phrases I've heard used to describe these two parts: CHILD verses ADULT brain, GO verses STOP brain, and PRIMAL verses RATIONAL brain.

The image above breaks it down very simply. The primal (fight or flight) part of our brain seeks to avoid unpleasant feelings. Calling it the 'child' brain is accurate because it does not consider consequences of actions - it can't because it has no concept of time.

Feel thirsty? Find water. Feel horny? Find sex. Feel afraid? Find safety. Feel depressed? Find comfort.

In contrast, our rational brain is the limiter. Rational brain says don't drink water from a gutter, don't have sex with just anyone, don't run over your friend to get to safety, and don't do drugs because they may cause more harm than good. Our 'adult' brain has the capacity to predict and assess risk. Ideally, the two parts of our brain work together to identify and fulfill needs with a healthy amount of risk assessment.

The problem for someone who has been addicted to drugs or alcohol, is that the "GO" part of the brain has been running the show, and it's difficult to override established habits for new ones, especially because it requires delayed gratification. You know about this challenge if you've ever tried to diet. Your 'shoulder devil' isn't trying to hurt you, it just wants you to avoid discomfort and tells you, "go ahead, have cake." In the words of Gollum from Lord of the Rings, "We wants it, we needs it." Opposite, your 'shoulder angel' is telling you to fight the good fight.

Hopefully understanding why you have these internal mind battles will help you ultimately win the war of good verses evil. The choices are yours to make.

Stop Shoulding Pt. 2

PEOPLE'S BEHAVIORS THAT DRIVE YOU CRAZY

Last week I covered how we "should" on others by way of unsolicited advice.

This week I'm addressing how we "should: on others with collective expectations, as in "people should....."

We sometimes call these "pet peeves," with the mindset that anyone with any intelligence would agree with us about a specific "right way" to behave. Examples include:

*What time neighbors "should" stop making noise

*How to drive

*How to chew and other table manners

*Talking on phone loudly in public, etc.

Admit it, there are probably one or two things that drive you crazy when people don't follow your 'rules.'

Here's the truth. Other people cannot make you angry. They simply behave the way they do and we get angry about it. The anger stems from a belief that other people "must" act a certain way. Want more peace, serenity, and patience in your life? Keep reading...

Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) says, what we think influences how we feel, which influences how we behave. The key to not getting frustrated is to reduce the internal beliefs that are irrational. It is irrational to think that everyone is going to act the way we want.

The next time you get irritated, do a self-check. Is it a DEMAND you are carrying around in your head that says "it must be this way or else I will be irritated?" If you reduce the DEMAND from a "must" to a "nice to have" you can reduce the level of emotional reaction that happens inside.

For instance, Instead of "Babies on airplanes must not cry," it is more realistic to have that be a preference: "It would be nice if babies on airplanes didn't cry, but it is not realistic to expect it. This is an unfortunate event either way, but to keep yourself from becoming an angry out burster, this is a great coping skill.

If this is a lesson you'd like to discuss further, lets do a mini-lesson together on just this topic. Find out more here: https://www.recoverlifecoach.net/contact

see related video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lwFHN1-TdY

Stop Shoulding on Others

How often do you catch yourself using the word "SHOULD?" It's a common word that I wish was a LOT LESS COMMON.

We use it to prompt an action: "I/You should go to bed sooner, or (___fill in the blank___).

We also use it to set expectations: "People should not make noise after midnight, or (___fill in the blank___)

This week I'm addressing how it is used in prompting an action. It implies an obligation to act. Guilt or shame often result from not acting on the "should." This can be directed at another person or ourselves.

Because how we speak to others and how we speak to ourselves significantly impacts the health of our relationships for good or bad, should-ing is typically not healthy.

If you think something you know can benefit another, ask if they're open to input before assuming that they are.

Here's a link to a great article on the use of the word 'should' by Hannah Braime at

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-the-word-should-can-be-harmful-3-empowering-alternatives/Tel

See my related you tube video: https://youtu.be/eCEOtNF-Gz4

Next week I'll discuss the shoulds that become demands inside our minds that cause even more difficulties when they don't become reality.