Helping or Harming?

To determine if you are supporting a loved one or enabling them, here are questions you can ask yourself:

“Am I compromising my own morals, abilities, or well-being?”

Have you ever loaned a loved one money that you knew would not be repaid? Do the actions you take for your loved one later cause you sadness, anger, or anxiety?

“Do I make excuses for the behavior of my loved one?”

Do you find yourself justifying their behavior to yourself or others? Have you had to turn a blind eye to repeated negative behaviors they engage in?

“Are there behaviors I’m not willing to point out for fear of their reaction?”

Have you tried to bring up unhealthy habits, behaviors or consequences and been met with an angry or aggressive response? Have you seen behaviors take place that you were unwilling to confront your loved one with? Do you know they are taking part in things you object to but are in fear of saying something?

“Have I lied about or hidden things I’ve done for my loved one from others?”

Have you helped your loved one without the knowledge of another because you were aware they would object? Do you protect them from being viewed negatively by others? Have you felt as though you were cleaning up the messes of your loved one with no sign of gratitude?

“Do I feel the need to protect their feelings?”

Do you walk on eggshells or tiptoe around their feelings? Do you fear you may ‘trigger’ their emotions? Are you afraid to speak up or set boundaries against unacceptable behaviors? Do you try to control how other family members interact with them?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you have crossed over the line from supporting into enabling. This does not mean that you cannot step back onto the side of support and set boundaries. Shielding a loved one from consequences of negative behavior only prolongs the negative behavior.

Helping is doing something for somebody that can not do things for themselves. Enabling is helping someone who can do things for themselves and doesn’t have to because you’re taking care of it for them.

How does one change from enabling to healthy helping?

Here are 3 tips to get you started:

1. Change the “script” in this play called Life. If you are in the role of the enabler, by changing your lines and actions, your loved one will do the same. By you choosing “recovery”, it exponentially increases the chances for your loved one to also make positive changes.

2. Empower yourself by focusing on your own life (physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual health). Recovery involves healing from one’s past, believing in one’s worth, expressing one’s needs, & setting limits.

3. Empower others by allowing them to work through their struggles, fulfill their life’s responsibilities, & experience a sense of accomplishment. The message is, “I believe in your ability” and therefore will step out of your way to allow your life to be your journey.”

Avoid the Drama Triangle

Withdrawing from the triangle

Awareness is everything. Be aware of your capacity to play these roles. Start by spotting the role in another, and ask yourself what role you could be taking in response. You may be taking on a role of rescuer or persecutor.

Victim: If you feel like you are the victim in a situation, consider the following points:

• Be clear with your boundaries

• Be aware of the choices you are making that bring you to the point of victimhood

• Ask yourself if you are seeking validation from others and do you really need it

Rescuer: If you find yourself continually rescuing people, consider the following:

• How can you empower the victim? Asking 'What do you think you could do about this?' can help jog the victim into helping themselves.

• How can you acknowledge the persecutor's issues without engaging in the drama?

• Stay aware of the thin line between coaching and rescuing and remember that some victims don’t want to be rescued, they are comfortable where they are at.

• Develop your own way of saying 'no' to requests for help – be gentle and assertive

Persecutor: No one likes to think of themselves as a persecutor or bully, but there may be times when you push other peoples' boundaries or act aggressive to justify your actions.

• Phrases such as 'I had no choice', are ways of trying to maintain already pushed boundaries

• Exercise your compassionate side: what level of respect would you want if you were in the same position as the person you were challenging?

• Question how you influence others: are your statements accusatory rather than inquiring? Are you challenging or criticizing someone else?

In summary, to stay out of the drama triangle you need the skillsets of assertiveness, compassion, empathy and self-awareness.

• By empathizing, you are unlikely to be aggressive.

• By being self-aware, you are less likely to rescue.

• By developing your assertive side, you will play fewer victim roles.

Self-awareness is the key.

A drama requires each player to act their part. When you decide to start withdrawing from these roles, other players may not want you to and may do their utmost to drag you back. Be strong. 

Beware of Control

Unhealthy Controlling Behaviors:

• Blame others for your mood; Keep them tiptoeing on eggshells to appease you

• Use the word ‘should’ a lot

• Become upset when your advice isn't taken

• Give silent treatment to punish

• Fish for compliments to feel good about yourself

• Anticipate other's thoughts or behaviors to sway a response

• Drive up the tailpipe or maneuver aggressively to "teach" another driver a lesson

Learning to let go of control takes time. Fear surfaces when we think what might happen when we release our grip. It’s not an all-or-nothing proposition. In recovery, when we talk about letting go of control, we mean letting go of some control. As we let go of some control, we become more empowered. We will find flexibility where there has been rigidity. When we begin to let go some more, we begin to relax, play, and discover serenity. We connect with ourselves and others better. Spirituality increases as control decreases.

Control is a major barrier to recovery. Faith and control don’t peacefully coexist. If you are searching for intimacy, you can’t have it without letting go of control. Remember that surrendering helps you stay in the moment, trust your higher power, and accept that you don’t need to have all the answers or plans in place right now. They will unfold naturally while you keep your sights on each next right thing.

If letting go is problematic for you, identify on a daily basis two areas you want to work on. It may be the same two areas repeatedly, but persistence will prevail. In your morning meditation, use the sentence stem, “Today I will let go of control of ________ and ________.”