Preventing the Holiday Blues and Staying Sober

Why do the blues hit during this otherwise festive season? Some people may associate the holidays with memories of overindulgence that resulted in relationship problems or guilt. Others may dread the holidays due to grief from the loss of a loved one. Doing too much or too little and being separated from loved ones can lead to sadness.

The holidays are often a period of emotional highs and lows. Loneliness, anxiety, happiness, sadness, and grief are common. Sometimes you may experience them back-to-back, and sometimes all at once! The holiday blues can be remedied by planning ahead.

Here are a few suggestions to achieve a happy, sober holiday season:

Feeling extra-emotional during this season is normal and not something you should “push down.” Confront unpleasant memories by talking them out with a trusted support person. Take some time to gently sit with, make space for, and breathe through your emotions instead of ignoring them.    

Good self-care is vital. Slow down. Make quiet time each day for gratitude, relaxation and prayer or meditation. Even if it’s only for a few minutes. Relax your standards and reduce overwhelming demands and responsibilities.

Exercise to help maintain your energy level amid a busier schedule. Don't try to do too much. Get plenty of sleep. Fatigue is a stressor. Maintain a schedule and don't wait until the last minute to do the things you can do in advance.   

Plan ahead to fill empty roles. Perhaps dad always dressed as Santa or your aunt always cut the turkey. Plan ahead to find someone who can take on those roles during events if needed. It will help make the experience easier and more enjoyable. Finding new ways to celebrate does not erase cherished memories. Establishing new traditions can be a healing experience and a welcomed break.

Enhance your support system. Holidays are a good time to reach out more frequently to your therapist, sponsor, or support group. Spend time with others in recovery.  Let others help you realize personal limits and learn to say "no" in a way that is comfortable.

Avoid isolation and spend time with people who are not substance users. If there are people or situations that are triggers, avoid them. It’s okay to say no to any events that you don’t feel up to. Holidays are an important time to focus on your recovery program. 

Holidays may also be a time to evaluate your spirituality and find a personal way to draw support from the spirit of the season. Return the holidays to a spiritual base and tap into the power of unselfish giving. Recovery is serious work, but it is also important to have fun. Laugh a little and then a little more. Start seeing the humor in those things that annoy you. Take from the holiday season what is important to you and leave the rest.

ACTIVE LISTENING

When we were using, many of us couldn’t stop talking. Depending upon the substance, it might have been a physical impossibility to shut us up. Despite all the noise we may have made, we rarely had anything honest or useful to say.

When we start to get clean and sober, many of us go almost silent. We need to be able to talk about our issues if we are going to learn to live without self-medicating. On the other hand, many of us swing too far in the other direction and start talking as if our recovery was the only thing happening anywhere in the world.

As much as learning to speak honestly about ourselves is important to recovery, on some levels learning to be a good listener is even more important. If our conversations are nothing more than us waiting our turn to say more about ourselves, we aren’t going to learn anything from anyone we talk to. Truly listening to others teaches us patience and empathy and helps us to become a little bit less self-centered. Being an active listener can help us be better partners, spouses, siblings, and children. It also supports mending the relationships that we harmed during addiction.

If we make working on our listening skills another part of our daily practice, we will see real benefits in our progress in recovery.

Psychologist Carl Rogers created a simple active listening format to help us become better listeners.

[You sound (emotion or feeling) ______ about (situation)  _____.\

Using the above format, you might say, “You sound frustrated about work. Then stop talking and let the other person respond. Active listening involves being reflective, and empathic to help others feel heard and understood. It is important to be objective and non-judgmental. By clarifying the feelings, you can promote a problem-solving process to help the person become more assured of their abilities to handle emotional situations. 

Using this format is useful because it:

·         Clarifies what IS being communicated as well as what IS NOT being communicated.

·         Helps gather additional information and verifies feelings of speaker.

·         Provides genuine personal response and promotes problem solving within the person with the problem.

Anger or Fear?

The purpose of anger: Emotions are built in impulses to act. Anger is primally ingrained to protect us by increasing blood flow which makes us physically stronger and more adept. Think of an iceberg. Most of it is hidden below the surface of the water. Similarly, when we are angry, there are usually other emotions hidden beneath. It’s easy to see anger but difficult to see underlying feelings the anger is protecting.

For example, Dave believed he had an anger problem. When his wife would make a request of him, he would criticize her. He didn’t like his reactions but felt he couldn’t help it. As he worked on mindfulness, he realized he didn’t really have an anger problem. Instead, he felt like she was making impossible demands. By seeking to pinpoint his anger, he began to recognize anger as a signal that he needed to set healthy boundaries for what he would or would not do. Dave’s story points out an important concept: Our raw feelings can be the messengers we need to teach us things about ourselves. There is more below the surface of our anger.

Anger as a protector of raw feelings: Anger is often described as a “secondary emotion” because we tend to use it to protect our vulnerable, overwhelming feelings. Underneath Dave’s anger was exhaustion and feeling that he wasn’t good enough. His anger was protecting him from shame. Learning to recognize anger as a protector of our feelings can be powerful and lead to healing conversations that help people understand each other better.

Three Tips for listening to anger: 

1. Don’t take it personally

2. Don’t tell someone to “calm down.”

3. Identify the obstacle.  - Anger is often caused by an obstacle blocking a goal.

Anger can be a healthy emotion provided we don’t wallow in it or attack others. Express anger honestly to prevent buildup of resentments. We’re often drawn to people who express their feelings honestly. This type of communication builds trusting relationships. Learn to feel, express, and then let go of anger.